When you blame others, you give up your power to grow
Although no one likes to admit it, we all have our dark sides and shadows; those less-than-flattering sides of our personality that like to abuse and shame others in many ways. From the subtle-underground remarks to the down- right-nasty hostility towards others. Devilish, but delicious! Unfortunately, we often send these ‘love bites’ to people that are closest to us, such as our partners and family members. We know that it hurts the recipients, yet we struggle to stop the notion of doing it.
I sometimes get frustrated with my husband as he seemed to ignore my requests. When I communicated my feelings to him, even though my tone of voice wasn’t loud and full of anger, at times I found myself projecting the energy of “Aaargh! You are so stupid! Why can’t you understand me?!” And I remember a couple of times I did say he was stupid. It is understandable that sometimes he got defensive, whether I did it subtly or brutally. I wonder why I found delight in belittling him on a few things that he does.
When the awareness came through, I realised that I tried to reject myself, my shadows, part of me that I don’t particularly like, by attacking him. For example, when I am being objective and check my behaviour, I procrastinate as he procrastinates. The only difference is we procrastinate on different things! You have to admit, it is easier to blame others rather than look into ourselves and change our patterns. As smart creatures, deep down we know that if we keep doing this the relationship will fall apart.
In intimate relationship we find that we compromise a lot. It is part of the deal. We may have very different opinion on different matters however, nobody is right or wrong. Nobody is trying to harm us. Our partners are simply supporting their own interests and priorities which are different from ours. Honouring our shadows and our partner’s shadows, by having an open communication and being vulnerable with each other will create more love within the relationship. Understanding that as unique human-beings, we naturally approach the same thing in a different way, be fair, accept that our interests are no more or no less important than our partner’s and finding a common ground to reach the same goal will create closeness.
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